I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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