She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
