I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize