Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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