Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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