What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
