I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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