New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
