That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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