The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize