Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
