ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
