looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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