Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
