Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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