Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This baby is an asshole
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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