I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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