you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
