i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
