my mouth tastes like poor choices
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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