I wish my penis had an off switch
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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