Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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