Umm I'm too high to move.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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