kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
