How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My first STD was from a foam party
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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