I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
