Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
