I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
