Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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