Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
