my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
