Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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