You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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