If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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