he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
