he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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