I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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