Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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