i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
