I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
