yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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