So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
