The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
