All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
