shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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