i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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