party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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