my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
