just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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