you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize