i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
