so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
