I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
