Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
