i don't like sucking hair
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
that may or may not have been my penis.
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