there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize