Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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