I cockslap morals
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
